To Make Gosky Patties

Take a pig three or four years of age, and tie him by the off hind-leg to a post. Place 5 pounds of currants, 3 of sugar, 2 pecks of peas, 18 roast chestnuts, a candle, and 6 bushels of turnips, within his reach: if he eats these, constantly provide him with more.

Then procure some cream, some slices of Cheshire cheese, 4 quires of foolscap paper, and a packet of black pins. Work the whole into a paste, and spread it out to dry on a sheet of clean brown waterproof linen.

When the paste is perfectly dry, but not before, proceed to beat the pig violently with the handle of a large broom. If he squeals, beat him again.

Visit the paste and beat the pig alternately for some days, and ascertain if, at the end of that period, the whole is about to turn into Gosky Patties.

If it does not then, it never will; and in that case the pig may be let loose, and the whole process may be considered as finished.

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This is a piece that was delivered in various dialects when I was in Acting class as a graduate student at TCU. I had long ago lost the papers where it was written, and not ever having known the author I was unable, for morte than 40 years, to find this piece. At long last I have read it once again, today, and will be reading it many times in the future.... It is a magnificently funny piece when delivered with even moderate skill in various dialetcs from around the world. Thank you for having this online.